Standing over my daughter’s crib, I wondered if I was good enough to be her mom.
Wouldn’t she be better off with someone else? She and my husband wouldn’t be held down by my limitations, by my depression. They’d move on and live happier lives without my burden.
I remember saying these words out loud to my husband that night, as we tried to get our girly back to bed. I clearly remember the look of devastation on his face. Saying the words out loud to him, that I wasn’t sure I wanted to live anymore, and the pain and absolute sadness on his face switched something back on in my brain. I knew I had to fight.
I had been reeling, for the two months leading up to that night, with a new diagnosis. I had been diagnosed with a chronic illness, an autoimmune disease. My body was attacking my thyroid, and my entire body was in revolt.
I had gotten the diagnosis over the phone, while I was at work. As my doctor explained that there was nothing to do, I was in shock. As he told me it was likely that I would have a miscarriage if we tried to have another baby, the total loss and devastation overtook me.
I went into a dark place after my diagnosis. Doctors would tell me different things – my primary couldn’t understand why I was so upset about “what is basically hypothyroidism,” while my endocrinologist was telling me it just got so much harder for us to fulfill our dream of having our second kid.
Having a history of anxiety and depression to start, this was the proverbial straw that sent me into my darkest spiral yet. It led to the midnight admission of suicidal thoughts to my husband and lit the fire under me to pull myself back from the brink and get myself healthy again.
Finding my way back to the light and retaking control of my mind and my health hasn’t been easy. I am a work in progress. But I have come such a long way in the last two years.
If you’re struggling with finding the light in your own life, know that it does get better. And if you’re at the brink and don’t have someone safe to talk to immediately, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 800-273-8255.
And, as always, I am here to support anyone who needs it.
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