Suicidal ideation is no joke. Working my way back from the brink and overcoming my suicidal ideations has not been an easy journey. There was a large chunk of time after my autoimmune diagnosis where I thought my family and the world would be better off without me. What could I possibly have to contribute? How could I possibly overcome the overwhelming issues I was dealing with to be a useful, productive member of my family and of society?
Of course, I have so much to live for. And I overcame my suicidal ideations. It’s not easy to break through the high walls of combined chronic and mental illness. But there are five huge reasons why I fought through, and why I’m so happy to still be alive.
- My hubby and kiddos. I suppose this one is fairly obvious, but it’s one of the key reasons I’m still here. My husband’s support has been invaluable throughout this whole journey. And the struggle we had to be able to have our two kiddos made it clear that there was no other option for me but to fight. I couldn’t leave these three amazing humans. They are my world, and I will do whatever it takes to continue to be here for them.
- My extended family. My parents and sister, my in-laws, and my friends who are family. The relationships and strength I receive from my extended family has been extremely important to my finding some balance and peace with everything going on in my life. The shoulders to cry on, someone to vent to, and family to help with the kiddos when I feel completely overwhelmed. I’m happy and thankful I didn’t leave this core group of awesome people.
- The potential future. The unknown scares the shit out of me, there’s no doubt about that. But at the same time, I’m scared to not know what I could accomplish, to not know how my kiddos will grow up. I’m still scared of what the future might hold, but I’m relieved that I still have that future ahead of me.
- Potential adventures. Traveling and seeing new places holds immense possibilities for me. There are still so many places I want to go, that I want to experience with my kiddos and hubby. Those adventures are still there for the taking, and I can’t wait to see what I’ll learn along the way.
- Not giving in to my illness. I conquered. I won. Mental illness is not something that is easy to breakthrough. It takes a lot of work to overcome anxiety and depression, and it’s not hard to relapse. I’m grateful and happy that I’ve put in the hard work to not give in to my illness and to stay alive for myself and for my family.
I’m glad I’m still here. I still have days where I struggle, but I’ve overcome so much, and have made so much progress. The suicidal ideation is something from my past, those thoughts haven’t come back in quite a while now. And I’m happy to be back on solid ground.
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