Struggling, feeling empty, dragging through the day. At a loss for how to move forward in life.
There was quite a chunk of time where I didn’t know how to step back from the brink, where it felt like depression was winning day in and day out.
It’s not an easy task to fight back depression. So much seems out of your control, you’re never fully sure that you can make your way back to a safe place without falling off the cliff in the attempt.
It was always hard for me to pinpoint exactly when depression would start winning. When you’re in the thick of it, it can be hard to figure out those signs that maybe you’re losing the battle.
As I think back to where I was three years ago, I can start to piece together what it felt like when depression was starting to win, before I finally pushed back. It’s a weird feeling, thinking back and trying to figure out specifically what those warning signs were for me.
One of the reasons it’s weird and difficult to pinpoint these signs and feelings, is because for a lot of this time, when depression was winning, it felt like my mind was basically empty. It doesn’t really make much sense to me, but it was almost like a mix of too many thoughts and no thoughts, at the same time.
This was then compounded by a lot of feelings of worthlessness, feeling like I didn’t contribute anything worthwhile to my family, to the world, to anyone around me. Combine that with feeling useless to my family – why bother doing anything? It wouldn’t make any difference.
When I would feel like I had accomplished something during this time, I would be hit with a feeling that everything I had just done went wrong. Even though this wasn’t true, I felt like a failure – again, why bother doing anything if I’ll just get it wrong anyway.
All of this eventually led to feeling like everyone would be better off without me – the start of teetering on the brink, the start of the suicidal ideation that I was facing off with.
Fighting back when it feels like depression is winning is not an easy fight. I’m thankful to have found tools to help me come back from the brink and win the war against depression. I have a training on this in our community.
But, if you’re struggling right now, and not seeing a way out – please, use the National Suicide Prevention Hotline – 800-273-8255. While I was lucky enough not to need to call them during my battle, I’ve heard amazing stories of how they’ve helped so many people.
Stay strong, my lovely friends. You can win the battle, and the war.
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